Archives For his needs her needs

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Our worst enemy in our marriages is not pornography.  It’s not lust.  It’s not temptation.  It’s not compatibility.

It is entitlement.

There are a lot of books and seminars out there on how to improve your marriage (some of them very good).  But if one of them actually worked in a once-and-for-all fashion, couldn’t books and seminars like these stop being made?

My wife and I were both virgins when we got married.  I was told by my church upbringing and by Christian sexual purity books I read in college that if I saved myself sexually until marriage, God would bless my marriage.  (Another way of saying “bless” would be: “everything you desire,” a la Psalm 37:4)

A deal was struck with God:  I do my part.  He does his. Continue Reading…

The books The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley have been very helpful to a lot of couples.  I’ve read them both, they’ve both been very helpful to my wife’s and my marriage, and I recommend them both as helpful tools for you.

There is a subtle message communicated in these books, or at least a message the reader creates, and that is that if my needs aren’t met, I’m now entitled to pursue an affair.  Continue Reading…

When you are dating, engaged, and newly married, you never think you’ll have an affair.  You hear stories about other people who had them, sometimes prominent Christian leaders, and typically a feeling of both condemnation and heartbreak sweep over you.  But the thought that you’d be capable of such a thing is as foreign as thinking about robbing a bank or committing murder.

On a foundational level, the reason people have affairs is not for the sex.  It is for acceptance, approval, and attention (which is the same reason people look to pornography, which is the cheapest, easiest way of getting this).  How do I know this?  I know this because these are the lures that have tempted me throughout my 8 years of marriage.

Continue Reading…